DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Your penis caused this!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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