This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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