Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
