his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I think I just sharted jello shots
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
