My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
