do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
