you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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