Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Do you remember whose house we're in?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
