all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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