Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
