Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
