Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
