he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
