So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
