I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
