i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
