I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
