I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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