he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
