i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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