I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
