i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
