I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
