Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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