32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
