drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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