My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You can't special order awesome
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
