Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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