wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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