Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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