between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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