I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother†Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
