I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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