You just made me feel so damn special
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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