the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
