First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
