You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
