hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You dont lie about slip and slides
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
