I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize