You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
