This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
