3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
