Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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