im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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