R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
