if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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