I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
