i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
