Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
