I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
