i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
