my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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