ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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