The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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