I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
