I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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