god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
