Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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