Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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