What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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