Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You work out of a Hotel?
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
