he shaved USA in his pubs
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
