Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
